Harry Potter and the Man Who Cried Buy It!
by Rezzzzzzurrection
Summary: When Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny go on a "special" mission to find a rare breed of sparklepyre who knows what, or who, they'll find..? Also contains Billy Mayness. If you are very serious about Twi vampires, please remember it's just a joke. :D
1. The Beginning of Madness

Harry fell to the floor as something cold and slimy whipped past his shoulder. With his glasses broken, his wand lost, he was defenceless. He called out.

"Ron! Ron! Where are you?"

He twisted around on the damp floor, only to find his best friend lying face down on the floor, his ginger hair matted with blood.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed, groping his way towards Ron, but something blocked his way. A cloaked, hooded figure drifted creepy closer to him, lifting a scabbed hand, it touched Harry's trembling face.

"OK, guys, he's had enough. STOP!" yelled a familiar voice out of nowhere. Harry collapsed and lay on the cold, golden floor, different from the one before, panting from a adrenaline rush.

"Potter! Get your ruddy arse off the floor and come here!" shouted Katie Bell, the Head of the Auror Department. "You, too, Weasley!"

Ron had been leaning casually against a wall delving into a bag of Muggle sweets he had taken a liking to. He pulled a face at Harry, reluctantly put down the bag of Twizzlers and shuffled over to where a fuming Bell was waiting.

"Honestly, Potter!" she said, once Harry and Ron had reached her. "You fell to pieces back there! It was even laughable, for a man your age!" Harry supressed a snort, he had only just turned twenty.

"I can't have you acting like that, Potter. Especially... with the circumstances..." said Bell, trailing off the end of her sentence. Harry flashed his curious green eyes at her. "What circumstances, Ms Bell?"

It still felt weird calling her that. Harry and Katie had played on the Gryffindor Quidditch team since Harry was eleven, but when he had became an Auror at the tender age of seventeen, things had changed.

Bell sighed. "You'd better come into my office. Potter, Weasley, I have a special assignment for you."

Ron's face lit up. Harry grinned. Whenever the word _special _came up Ron always turned into a six-year-old.

Harry and Ron followed Bell into her office. It was untidy but had a cosy feel to it. Papers and books were scattered over her desk, which stood proudly photos of friends and family... and a group shot of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Harry smiled fondly at his photo-self. Bell sat behind her desk and conjured two wooden, straight-backed chairs out of thin air for Harry and Ron. They sat down.

"Now..." said Bell, ruffling some papers. "This is an undercover assignment. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is located in Forks, Washington, USA. It is widely known that a gang of highly-dangerous sparklepyres are habited there. Your task is to find these sparklepyres and destory them."

"Um, Ms Bell?" said Ron timidly. "You say "sparklepyres" what exaclty are they? I've never heard of them before. Are they some kind of vampire?"

Bell closed her eyes with a look of horror on her face, Ron shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"No, Weasley. God, no. These are worse than vampires. There are a number of distinct differences between the sparklepyre, which is also known as a Meyerpire, and a real vampire. You will have a guide, but I will run through the basics. The sparklepyre does not have fangs, nor do they sleep in coffins, they don't burn when they step into sunlight, instead, they sparkle--"

The rest of Bell's sentence was lost, as Harry and Ron erupted in roars of violent laughter. Bell sat, unamused, as tears ran down Ron and Harry's faces, they were bent over in their chairs, clutching their waists for dear life. Once their laughter had turned into hiccups, Harry got enough breath to say. "Hahaha! Hiccough! Ahem. You are joking, right, Bell?"

"I'm deadly serious, Potter." said Bell in a stern tone.

Ron and Harry stopped hiccuping at once and stared intently at Bell, intruiged. She coughed and continued.

"I've arranged for you to stay in a small apartment whilst you plan how to destroy the sparklepyres, to look less suspicous, you may take people with you. I have enrolled you both in Forks High School, where the sparklepyres attend."

"Sorry, Miss," interrupted Ron. "But.. how? Me and Harry are both way too old to be in school."

"Oh, come on, Weasley, you don't look _that _old!" said Bell irritably. "I want you to get as much information as you can on the sparklepyres before you take down their leader... which I believe to be the highly popular salesman, Billy Mays."

"Billy Mays?" said Harry. "Never heard of him..."

"Me neither," said Ron.

"But, Ms Bell," said Harry. "Why do we want to kill these sparklepyres? What have they done to us?"

"Don't you know, Potter? Goodness!" sighed Bell. Harry felt a ripple of annoyance. He felt thirteen-years-old again, Sirius Black was on the loose, and everyone knew why he was after Harry. Apart from him.

"The sparklepyres are planning to take the Wizarding World down! Enough said!"

Harry and Ron both nodded seriously.

"So." said Bell. "Do you accept you mission?"

"Yes." said Harry and Ron simultaneously.

The next thing Harry knew, he was stumbling through a busy airport with his friends, Ron and Hermione, and his fiance, Ginny. It was raining outside as they fell into a taxi and rumbled off into the storm.

"Ooh! Is this it?" asked Ginny, who was leaning out of the window like an excited puppy. "Is this the school?"

Harry looked out of the window and saw a large sign bearing the legend _Forks High School._

"Yes, Ginny dear, but we're going to the apartment first."

As the car squelched through the mud Harry pressed his forehead against the cold window of the car. Sure, he had killed Dark wizards before, but this was something he had never expierienced. It was all so... alien. Yet, somehow, the feeling was slightly familiar. Harry turned his head to look at his friends in the car. Ginny was sat next to him, her pretty face lit up with excitement. Hermione was buried in Bell's guide to Sparklepyres, and Ron was at another bag of Twizzlers.

Honestly... Harry thought. How did he end up with then? Harry smiled and whispered: "I'm very glad I did..."

Once they arrived in the apartment, Ron dropped his bags and dived for the bathroom. Hermione sighed and started unpacking her suitcase. There were two bedrooms. Ginny waggled her eyebrows at Harry. He grinned.

"So, Mr Potter, is there any preparation we need to do before we make our terrifying journey into Forks High... and find the sparklepyres?" asked Ginny, sauntering up to Harry and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Well, Katie said that we needed to watch a Muggle video to get an idea of what they looked like. Though she described them as inhumanly beautiful, so it's not like they'll be hard to miss. But we better watch them anyway." Harry pulled two Muggle DVDs out of his bag. "_Twilight_ and _New Moon, _Hermione's at the books..."

Hermione looked up, anguish was written all over her face. "Books? Books? You can't call _these _books! It's a monstrosity! It makes me want to stop shaving and join feminist ralleys!" She then buried herself back into the large paving-stone-slab novel, mumbling angrily.

Ron had come out of the bathroom, looking worried and muttering something that looked rather like _please don't stop shaving, Hermione_ he slumped onto a sofa next to Hermione and put her arm around her. She complained feebly but turned a pretty shade of pink and leaned on him. Ginny made vomiting noises behind him.

"We'd better get this on if we want to get a good night's sleep," said Harry, Ginny waggled her eyebrows at him again and winked. Harry felt himself blushing and Ron's eyes on his back has he pushed the DVD into the player. Ginny, who took after her father and loved anything and everything Muggle, sat down on another sofa and patted the space next to her for Harry.

Two hours later, they were still debating whether the sparklepyre, Edward Cullen, looked anything like Cedric Diggory.

"I'm telling you, Ginny!" argued Harry. "He looked so much like Cedric – it was creepy!"

"Harry, Cedric was actually good-looking!" the redhead retorted. "That Edward guy looked all pale and rape-face-y."

Suddenly they both burst into peals of laughter, rolling around on the sofa.

"Anyway..." said Ron. "I'm going to bed," he announced. "Come on, Hermione..." he tugged on her sleeve. She looked up, irritated. He widened his eyes. Eventually she got the hint, jumped up, bid Harry and Ginny goodnight and scrambled excitedly into a bedroom.

"Oh God, oh God..." groaned Ginny. Harry chuckled. "We'd better get to bed, too. Or else we'll be shattered in the morning."

Ginny widened her eyes in a way that made her look astonishingly like Ron, she smirked, and led Harry into the spare bedroom...


	2. Forks, Spoons, Knives, and Schools

Harry woke to see his fiance sleeping peacefully beside him. He smiled and stroked her red tresses, he stood up and threw a dressing on. He glanced at the clock. 6:00am. School started at nine. Harry walked into the living room to see Ron lolling on a sofa eating a large bowl of cereal.

"Morning, Harry," he greeted him.

"Morning, Ron," replied Harry, he went to take a seat next to Ron. "Where's Hermione?"

"Sleeping," he said. "But I got up, it always makes me hungry, y'know," Ron shoveled another spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth. "D'you fink that it'ggll be beasy finging dem?" he asked whilst chewing, spraying milk all over Harry's face.

"Yeah, I guess," said Harry, wiping the milk off his glasses. "I mean, we've actually seen them, so I doubt it'll be that hard..."

"Yeah, silly me asking, really..." said Ron, finishing his cereal. Suddenly, Harry and Ron jumped violently, a loud noise had frightend them.

"HARRY!" shrieked Hermione, running out of the bedroom in her nightgown. Ron's ears turned red.

"I've just thought!" she squealed. "How do we know that we're fully prepared? Students are going to notice us after all! We're new... and British! Do they have a school uniform? We'll look so out of place! And I don't want us to get in trouble on our first day. We don't want to attract attention to ourselves! And do you think we should bring wands? I mean, we'll look odd with bits of wood sticking out of our pockets, but you think that it would be best? Caution, wise, I mean."

"Hermione!" shouted Ginny, coming out of her bedroom, wrapped in a kimono dressing gown. "Honestly, you underestimate Harry. Don't you think he's already thought of all that?" she said, sitting down next to Harry. He beamed gratefully at her.

"Yeah, Hermione..." said Ron. "Harry's got it all covered." Hermione threw a questioning glance at Harry.

"Er – yeah." he said. "Um, we don't wear uniform... just casual Muggle clothes, right? And I think it would be best if we took our wands. And of course we're going to get noticed a _little _we are new, and foreign. We've also had our names changed. So we're now Ginny Potter, Ron Prewett, Hermione Weasley and Harry Evans. Just in case someone recognises us."

Hermione threw him a relieved smile. "Well, yes, I should have thought of that, really. It'll be intresting, going back to a Muggle school, don't you think?"

"Sure..." said Harry non-commitedly. _His _days at Muggle school had been the worst of his life, but he said to himself, _We'll just have to wait and see._

Three hours later, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had climbed out of Arthur Weasley's Ford Anglia, looking dishevelled.

"_Hey, it was the best I could do, alright?_" Ron had moaned when he saw Hermione and Ginny's scathing looks when he had conjured the old car. "_You know I'm not that good!_"

Personally, Harry was glad Ron had chosen the Ford Anglia to be their form of transportation, he had had some brilliant fun in that car. Good times, he thought to himself. He caught Ron's eye and grinned knowingly, Ron winked back.

Once they had sorted out the bags of ordinary Muggle school equipment - "Oooh, but I've gotten used to my quill!" - they made their way up the steps and through the glass doors into the infamous Forks High School. Hermione made her way up to the reception desk.

"Erm, hello." she said to the grumpy-looking receptionist. "We're – er – new here, and we haven't got a timetable for lessons yet. So – er – could we have one, please?" The receptionist gave Hermione a dark look, twisted around in her chair and extracted four slips of paper from a drawer behind her.

"Here." she barked, stuffing the paper into Hermione's fist.

"Thanks," she said, quickly, before scuttling away back to Harry, Ron and Ginny.

"_Well_!" she said, a scandalized look of her face. "How rude! She hasn't given me a very good impression of Forks High School..."

"Just remember what we're here to do, Hermione." said Harry, a tone of authority in his voice. "So. What do we have first?"

Hermione squinted at a slip of paper and pulled a face. "Oh, biology!" she sighed. "I always loved this at my Primary School,"

"Biology?" enquired Ron.

"Like Care of Magical Creatures," said Harry. "But less dangerous, with more writing,"

"Oh!" said Ginny. "I'm not going to be in the same class as you, am I? I'm younger!"

"No, Ginny. We're not even meant to be in class, remember? Bell's got it all sorted, and anyway, you're older than all the students here."

Ginny turned a deep shade of red. "Oh."

"Anyway-" said Harry, pulling the embrassing attention away from Ginny. "Is that the bell? We'd better be going to – er – Biology class."

"Right, yes." said Ron, as he followed Harry, Ginny and Hermione to their first class. They walked down a long corridor, Hermione directing, constantly staring at the slip of paper she was holding.

"Ah! Here it is!" she said, finally. "Shall I knock?" They nodded. Hermione rapped at the door gently.

"Come in," said a voice from inside the classroom. Harry saw Hermione cross her fingers and walk in through the door. He, Ron, and Ginny followed, awkwardly.

"Aaaah!" said, what Harry supposed was the teacher. "The new students from England!" He turned to the class. "We'll all try to make you very welcome here." he turned back to Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. "I'm Mr. Banner. Would you like to introduce yourselves to the class?"

Harry felt himself blushing, Ron and Ginny's ears had turned red. Hermione was the first to speak.

"Er – hi!" she said, in an unnatually high voice. "I'm, um, Hermione Weasley."

"Excellent!" exclaimed Mr. Banner. "And you?" he enquired, his beady eyes darting from Harry to Ginny to Ron.

"Ginny Potter." said Ginny, making a vague movement with her hand towards Ron, his ears flaming. "We're cousins..." she said off-handedly. "He's Ron Prewett. And this is Harry Evans." Harry made a sort of epileptic hand wave to the class, as he looked round at the gawping students. Suddenly, his eyes focused on two particular students in the room.

He turned to Hermione and widened his eyes meaningfully, she, too, had noticed. The couple sitting at the desk at the back were no other than the infamous Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. Harry couldn't help but noticing a homicidal gleam in Hermione's eyes.

"Take a seat," said Mr. Banner. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny found various seats around the room, they were seperated.

"Now," said the teacher. "We can begin..."

AN: Sorry about the loooong wait. And how short this chapter is. But I is a buseh person :P I have to scream at my friends to get them to show me how to upload this bloody thing. Please review, or else I might get lonely and cry if no one talks to me... *sob*


	3. Carrots Work Magic Sometimes

Harry spent the next hour wringing his hands nervously, his eyes darting around the foreign classroom. Although he was older (apart from Edward, that is) and probably a lot more intelligent than all the students in the entire school, he couldn't help having that vaguely familiar twitch of worry in his gut, the uneasiness. Of course this was a high school, the teenagers here wouldn't chase him around the playground, or use him as a punchbag, or tease him for his baggy clothes and broken glasses, or bully him endlessly. But still...

"Harry, the bell's gone. Class is over, mate," said the voice of Ron Weasley (No – Prewett!) that jolted him from his thoughts.

"Oh, right. Sorry," said Harry, as he collected his things and dashed awkwardly from the empty classroom and caught up with Hermione and Ginny.

The four foreigners bumbled through their lessons, Harry and Hermione remembering long-ago subjects and rules. Whilst Ron and Ginny were in a whole new world.

"A detention?" Ron moaned on the way to the cafeteria. "For not paying attention in class? Of course I was paying attention, you were there, Harry! You saw me – how was I supposed to know what the rectangle tree of a hundred and forty four was..."

"Ron, it's not the rectangle tree, it's the square root. Honestly! And the answer was twelve, it really wasn't that hard. Was it, Harry?" said Hermione breezily.

"Er – well, I haven't done it in ages..." stammered Harry quickly, looking at the floor.

As they walked through the doors of the cafeteria, they were hit by the smell of food, sweat, deoderant and acne cream.

"I'm going to get something to eat, OK? Harry? Hermione? Are you coming with?" asked Ron, gesturing at the queue.

"No thanks, Ron. I've – er – lost my appetite," said Harry, as Ron, Hermione and Ginny strode off together.

Harry looked around the hall and then – he saw it. The famous Cullen table. He tried to remember their names. He already knew Edward and Bella, but there were more. There was a little one... she had nice hair, a bit like Tonks... Alice! That was her name! He remembered her! She was sitting next to a boy. Goodness, he should lighten up, Harry thought, as he examined his pained face.

OK, there was another girl. She was very pretty, long blonde hair – ew, bit like a Malfoy, and she had the expression to match. This one had to be Rosalie... and the bloke sitting next to her was Emmett... but he just couldn't recall the name of the other boy. Hm. He'd have to ask Hermione.

He watched as they talked amongst themselves. A thought hit Harry – this was his chance! The chance to find out more about them. He just had to pluck up his courage. He began to walk to the table... and walked away again. Dammit! He thought, the boy who defeated Voldemort hasn't got the guts to go and introduce himself to people who can't even hurt him! Harry gave himself a sharp smack on his forehead. "Ow!" he cried, it had been a little sharper than he had intended.

"What a nutter..."

"I know, right? I suppose they're all like that in Europe..."

Harry felt his face flush as he turned to the whispers and glared at them. Heart drumming, he made his way over to the Cullens' table.

"Hello," he began politely. "My name is Harry Evans. I'm new here, and I've heard a lot of interesting things about you,"

The blonde girl – Rosalie – scowled. But Edward smiled, his yellowy eyes drinking in the view.

"Yes, please, sit," he said. Harry smiled in return and sat down. His expression changed suddenly to a more stern visage.

"Okay, let's get this straight. I know what you are, and you probably know who I am. So I don't want any pretending, let's just cut that bullshit, alright?"

Edward narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I know what you are..." whispered Harry.

"Say it, say it out loud."

"Sparklepyre."

Edward flung his arm dramatically over his forehead and closed his eyes. A feeling of awkwardness settled over the table as the main conversationalist lolloped in his seat, whimpering slightly.

"Er..." mumbled Harry. "Do you... play any sports?"

Before anyone could answer, a loud clanking came from Harry's right. He turned and saw Ron, with a tray in his hands, piled high with food. Hermione and Ginny sat down at the table, two empty plates in their hands. When Ron was seated, they started piling some of his mountain onto their own plates. The red-head's face crumpled as he looked at his diminishing portion.

"Oh, these are my friends, Ron Prewett, Her-" Harry began, before he was interrupted by the blonde sitting opposite him.

"You said to cut the bullshit, didn't you, Potter? Well then, I suggest that you cut it. _I _know who you are, so don't start with the fake names. I _have _read the books, you know," Rosalie turned her head to each of them and barked their real names. "Ron Weasley. Hermione Granger. Ginny Weasley. And you're Harry Potter. But for the sake of getting along, we won't reveal your identity,"

"Hm. Well, thank you," Harry smiled again amiably. Edward had taken his arm away from his head and opened his eyes. It seemed he could pull his eyes away from the lascivious Ginevra that sat before him. Harry started feeling uncomfortable. Ginny had started eating, she twirled the end of a carrot of her fork unconciously as she read her Language Arts textbook. She traced it around her lips and placed it slowly in the mouth. She rolled the small vegetable around and chewed.

You know someone is hot when they can turn you on by eating a carrot, Harry thought to himself.

Ginny looked up and saw Edward staring at her shamelessly. She smiled politely. Harry gave him a death stare (one that he hoped resembled Professor McGonagall's, Bell's and Hermione's all rolled into one). Unfortunately, he was not looking at the spectacled boy in front of him. Harry felt it would be prudent to place a bucket under Edward's chin. After all, it would be a shame to get dribble all down his lovely cashmere sweater. Harry stared at Edward, willing the other boy to look at him so he could rip his eyeballs out his sockets.

Harry tore his eyes away from Edward and Ginny and saw Ron and Hermione deep in conversation with the rest of the Cullens. He looked across the room to where Bella was sitting with her friends. She was looking worriedly over at Edward, who was completely drowning in ginger magic.

But that was _Harry's _ginger magic! For him and him only. After all, it hadn't been _Edward_ who had been waiting nervously outside the Holyhead Harpies training ground for hours, had it? Oh no, it hadn't been Edward who had to meet his girlfriend after Quidditch practice – the time when she was most irritable. _Edward _hadn't spent weeks trying to charm a thousand golden snitches to write MARRY ME, GINNY? In the sky, oh no. _Edward_ didn't have to stick his arm down cow poo when the Snitch carrying the ring had flown down into the smelly mound, did he? And then present the ring to his 'smitten' partner, who by that time was drowning in tears of laughter and couldn't stand for the life of her. But Harry did. He had taken it on the chin like a taking-it-on-the-chin person, but here, after all his hard work, was Edward having the horn for Ginny.

Being lost in his thoughts, Harry didn't notice anything until Edward stood up on the table and declared his undying love for Ginevra Molly Weasley ("ahem, I mean – Potter!") and proposed to Ginny right there on the spot.

"Oh.. I'm – er – _flattered_. But I'm already engaged, see?" she said, showing Edward her ring with the Snitch-shaped ruby in the middle and weeny diamond broomsticks fluttering after it realistically.

"To who? Who could be good enough for you? Who would have the sheer cheek to ask you to marry them, the lowly mortal?" cried Edward, clutching Ginny hand.

"Me," said Harry, raising his eyebrows. "And if you don't like it, tough."

"Well, we'll see about that!" shouted Edward as he flew across the table and pinned Harry to the floor, oblivious to the students milling around them, who had now stopped to watch.

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" Ron boomed, but the spell merely flashed and wavered when it hit Edward's diamond-hard skin.

"Crap! What do we do?" shrieked Ginny, she and Hermione drew their wands, but were unable to think of the correct spell. Terrified, Hermione started shouting everything she knew.

"_Avis! Furnunculus! Immobulus!_"she screamed.

Birds started flying around Harry and Edward as they wrestled. Boils started sprouting all over Edward's pale skin.

"I KNOW!" shouted Ginny. "_Diffindo!_"

Edward screamed and released his grip in Harry as wide cuts split his body. Harry groped for his wand and cried "_Sectumsempra!_"

Blood started flowing from the cuts in Edward's stomach. Harry knew it wasn't his, but probably from his last kill. He scrambled onto his feet, stood next to Ginny and in perfect unision they uttered the last spell: "_INCENDIO!_"

Edward started screaming at flames leapt up around him. The Cullens, too shocked to move, stood watching, their mouths gaping. Bella was screaming. Hermione went up to her and calmly erased her memory. When she turned back, what had been Edward Cullen, was now a pile of ash and cinders.

"I've erased everything she knew about you and Edward," said Hermione, addressing the remaining Cullens. "It's safer and better for her now. You'll understand,"

"You!" shouted Emmett at Harry and Ginny. "You killed our brother – Edward – he had a family!"

Harry's heart fell a million miles. _What had he done?_

"And Bella – she won't remember her baby. She won't remember little Nessie!" chimed Alice. Harry could've sworn he saw Rosalie's lip curl.

Speechless, Harry turned to Hermione, who had finished erasing the student's memories.

"Come on!" she said, gripping Ginny and Ron's arms. Harry went forward and allowed himself to be captured by Hermione's grasp. The four then whirled away into nothingness.


	4. Hi, Billy Mays Here With Oxyclean!

**AN: Ahhhh, the beginning of a new chapter. Careful kiddiewinks; there's quite a bit of cursing in this one!**

"Who did you say again, Harry?" asked Hermione again, tapping into the Muggle contraption.

"Billy Mays, Hermione! How many times do I have to tell you? Godric, for the smartest girl of your age you can be a real dumbass sometimes!" snapped Harry.

"Excuse me? What's gotten your knickers in a twist?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Harry, crossing his arms. "Perhaps it has something to do with having some annoying little fly constantly whinging in my ear!"

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" shouted Hermione, she then ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Harry! That's so mean!" said Ginny, before marching into the room after Hermione.

"Godric, Harry. She's my wife, you have no right to treat her like that! Do you hear me?" shouted Ron angrily, his eyes blazing.

"Oh for Salazar's sake! I cannot be fucked with you! ALL OF YOU!" Harry retaliated.

"We can't be fucked with _you_ either Harry! What the hell have we done? We're on a mission here and you're the one completely breaking down and acting like a bitchy little shit!" Ron slammed his fist down on the sofa, the walls vibrated.

"Oh yeah? You think so? Do you? Well you can do the whole fucking mission by yourself then, Ronniekins. That's what you want, isn't it? To be the hero; you're jealous of me!"

Harry was going to continue, but was cut short by Ron's fist colliding with his cheek. There was blood dripping out of Harry's mouth. Hermione and Ginny ran out of the bedroom.

"For goodness sake, what the hell do you think you're doing?" screamed Ginny as Harry picked himself off the floor.

"I don't know, I don't know anything any more. And I cannot be bothered. I'm going out," snapped Harry, grabbing his jacket and storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

The cold, damp wind of Forks whipped against Harry's sore cheek like a knife as he trudged along the puddle-spattered pavement. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't care, either. His head was spinning with the events that had took place earlier that week. A million thoughts and questions ran through his mind:

_What have I done?_

Why did I shout at Hermione like that?

One of my first and most closest and dearest friends...?

Ron is _such _a bastard!

Why am I friends with a bastard?

Freakin' bastard.

Edward had a baby... _a little baby._

I just killed a father!

That makes me a monster...

_What did they ever do to me?_

Why isn't everyone else freaking out like _**ME?**_

Am I just too sensitive?

Maybe it means they're monsters, too...

WHAT IF THEY'RE MONSTERS IN DISGUISE?

Holy shit.

Harry was pulled away from his thoughts when he bumped into a brick wall and fell onto the floor. Picking himself up, he noticed that the brick wall had a door to a tavern. Badly needing something a drink, Harry walked into the bar. It stank of piss and alcohol. He sat on a stool and ordered a vodka shot from the grizzly bartender. It was a dirty glass; but Harry was passed caring as he downed it in one. The bar was mostly empty, apart from a few overweight, bearded old men playing pool in the corner and a man next to him playing with a squidgy-looking orange... thingy. The orange reminded him of Ginny. What the hell was he doing? Drinking like a hobo in some run-down bar. He was her _fiance_. In a few months time, he was going to promise to love and protect her until death. He was meant to live with her and care for her. Have children.

"For fuck's sake..." he mumbled. Clutching handfuls of his jet-black hair. "If I could only find this Billy Mays bastard..."

"Who? Me?"

Harry whirled around to find the man sitting next to him had stopped playing with the orange thing. He had dark hair and a beard, he looked friendly enough.

"You – _you're Billy Mays?_" said Harry in nothing more than a whisper.

"That's me," said the man heartily, smiling amiably at Harry.

"The leader of sparklepyres?" Harry enquired further.

"Er – I'll have to say 'no' on that one, son," said Billy Mays.

"What?" said Harry, shocked. "WHAT? So I've come ALL THIS BLOODY WAY to find some weird, bearded, old guy who isn't even the person I'm looking for? Do you know what I've done? I've killed a _father_. I killed Edward Cullen. And his wife doesn't even remember him. And for what? NOTHING!"

Harry hadn't noticed the fast sliding of hot, salty tears running down his face. Embarassed at crying in front of a complete stranger, he wiped them with his sleeve quickly and sniffed. When he looked up again, Billy Mays was standing.

"Come with me, kid," he whispered forcefully. Harry stood up and followed the bearded gent out of the bar and into the street, it was raining.

He followed him across the road to a tanning salon. Harry waited as Billy stood in front of the door and fiddled with something in his hands. Suddenly, the floor beneath his moved, Billy grabbed Harry in a tight embrace as they sank down into the hungry earth.

"What the hell? Listen, mate, I don't swing that way, if you know what I mean-"

"Shh, shh," chided Billy. "We're almost there. Close your eyes."

Harry did as he was told, seconds later, he felt solid firmness beneath his feet. He opened his eyes and looked down to see the floor was made out of lino.

"Where are we?" asked Harry, his legs trembling.

"We're in my secret hideout!" cried Billy happily. It was a shiny, chrome-like place. Billy invited Harry to sit down on a silver, metal chair, he put his face very close to Harry's.

"Now... I am about to divulge a top-secret secretive secret to you, okay, Potter?"

"Wait, how did you know my-"

"There's no time for that now!" shouted Billy, waving Harry's question away with a flick of his hands. "Listen, Potter, Drarry, Harry James, Harriet, Pot-Pot, I am not the head of sparklepyres, I am a spy. My mission, which is not unlike yours, is to track down the sparklepyre leader, which I have done, and to destory her. Thus, turning the sparklepyres back into normal human beings."

Harry, surprised at this sudden information asked: "So, who is the head of sparklepyres?"

Billy smirked. "Who do you think? Who created the sparklepyres? Who has a mind sick enough to give that malady to poor, innocent human being?"

"...Sarah Allen?"

"What? No! Who the hell is that anyway? Jesus, Potter. No, Stephenie Meyer."

Harry inhaled deeply and loudly out of pure shock. Then, when he realised it wasn't shocking, he felt a bit stupid and didn't want to exhale because he'd feel even more like an idiot. He sat there for forty-three seconds holding his breath before he thought his lungs were going to explode.

"Erm... okay then..." said Billy. "Carrying on... I would like you, Harry Potter, and your accomplices to join me on my quest to hunt down Stephenie Meyer and her army of sparklepyres. Do you accept?"

Without hesitations, Harry practically whispered: "I do,"

"Excellent!" said Billy, standing up suddenly, running his hands over his dark beard. "Now, you must show me your... _accomplices_, Harry!"

"Hey, guys! You'll never guessed who I've found!"

"Michael Jackson?"

"No, Ron, not him... how do you even know who he is anyway? Michael Jackson's a Muggle..."

"No he isn't! It's a well known fact that Michael Jackson is a Squib, so stick that in your gob. You have the cheek to come back here all of a sudden? Not even apologising to Hermione?"

He had a point, Harry stood nervously in the doorway, Billy was just behind him. Hermione was sitting, her chin up, defiant, on the sofa.

"I'm – er – I'm sorry, Hermione... I didn't mean to shout at you like that... I was being a dick... I'm sorry,"

She gave a smile. "It's OK, Harry. Now, who is this mystery person you've brought to us?"

Without warning, Billy stepped in front of Harry, spreading his arms wide, he announced "Hi, Billy Mays here – _with Oxyclean!_"

Ginny, Ron and Hermione leapt up comically. "Billy Mays?"

"With _Oxyclean_? What is that?" whispered Harry.

"Oh, force of habit, sor-" but before Billy could finish, Ron had screamed a stunning spell and was shot backwards into the hallway.

"RON! He's not the head of sparklepyres! He's going to HELP US!" cried Harry, stepping back.

"How do you know?" gasped Ron.

"He knows who the real head of sparklepyres is! He wants us to help him, Ron!"

"Please," whimpered Billy. "I can help. Seriously, I can. I've tracked the head down – Meyer, that is – and I need you to help me bring her down... so... what do you say?"

"Well..."

"He sounds genuine," said Hermione. "I think we should help him, Ron,"

"I think so, too," piped Ginny.

Ron glanced at Harry, who subtly nodded and smiled. "Come on, trust me, Ron. He's the real deal," he said.

"Oh, fine!" said Ron, throwing his hands in the air in mock exasperation. "Let's do this shizzle!"

**AN: **squee** Please review! If you don't I'll feel down-hearted and maybe kill something small, cute and furry like a Nargle. Hope you enjoyed it!**


	5. Here Comes The Führer!

**AN: Why does no one review this but my friends? Ah well, thanks anyway guys. And those few people who don't know me but review anyway! I LOVE YOU, PEOPLE! You give me inspiration to write.**

Harry stood up, shaking. He had just Apparated with Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Billy and he was feeling extremely nauseous.

"You doing all right, son?" said a voice. It was Billy's.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, thanks..." Harry could faintly hear two more voices – Ron and Hermione's – bickering over something.

"Come on, Herm!"

"No, Ron! I've already had-"

"_Please_, Hermione! They could help us with this – er – quest!"

"What is it, Ron?" asked Harry.

"Red Vines, Harry, Red Vines!" exclaimed Ron. "I've left them in the apartment and we need them! I mean, what the hell can't they do?"

"Hermione." said Harry gravely. "I'm Harry freakin' Potter and I demand that you-" seeing the fire flash in Hermione's eyes "-if you please would be ever so kind as to just quickly pop back and fetch them? I'd be _ever _so grateful!"

Hermione huffed and then in a flash, she had gone and returned. Grumpily, she stuffed the plastic packet into Ron's waiting hands and stormed off to the front of the group with Ginny.

"Thanks, mate," said Ron gratefully. "Hey, do you want a delicious... Redvine?"

"Absolutely!" Harry took the Red Vine and he and Ron stared into space grinning before Billy snapped them back into reality.

"Hey! It's my job to do the advertising round here. Not some author of a Harry Potter/Twilight comedy fanfiction!"

"**HEY!" **cried a voice out of nowhere. **"I heard that!"**

"Who was that?" shrieked Billy, looking around frantically. Hermione and Ginny were frozen to the spot.

"**It's me!" **said the voice. **"The author who has apparently NO RIGHT to do any advertising around here! In my own fanfiction story! Bitch, _please. _I could kill you if I wanted."**

"Wait – this doesn't make sense!" shouted Harry. Ron then promptly put his hands down his pants.

"WHAT? Why did you make me do that?"

"**Comedy, darling, comedy." **Suddenly, Hermione grew an afro and howled "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, fool?"

"What did you do to her?" shrieked Ginny.

"**Don't worry, don't worry. I just turned her into Gary Coleman. I'll change her back now,"**

Hermione lost the afro and turned very, very quiet.

"What? So you like, direct our every step? Everything we say? It was you who made me kill Edward?" persisted Harry.

"**Er – this is getting a little uncomfortable, even though I'm doing it myself. Ah well, we'd better carry on as normal chaps – _OBLIVIATE!"_**

"Whoa. That was weird."

"Anyway, carrying on..."

"Look!" cried Ginny, pointing her index finger randomly into space.

"What is it, Gin?" asked Harry, looking around. "I don't see anything!"

Suddenly, a smog that had been surrounding them cleared and a giant, ghosty head appeared. It was ivory-skinned, with chocolate brown hair and eyes, full lips and a pointed chin.

"It's... it's..." stuttered Hermione.

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!" screamed Ron before he wet himself. Billy walked over and slapped him over the head.

"Rawr..." whispered the eerie, fluttery, deep, masculine, strong, girlish tone.

"No, you idiot! It's Stephenie Meyer... onwards, noble knights and gentle ladies!" Billy, who had started to march, lead them through the rest of the smog, until they could see a huge manor, not unlike the Malfoys. Creepily, the doors opened by themselves. They waited silently by the entrance.

"Enter..." crowed the same wondrous voice.

They entered and were led along a narrow passageway, lit by balls of fire flying around their heads, giving them enough light to see the paintings on the wall.

"Dracula..." whispered Hermione, pointing to a particular painting. It showed the vamp, but covered with glitter glue.

"Oh Godric! I can't take it! I can't breathe!" sobbed Ginny.

"Get a hold of yourself, Ginny! Jeez. You're a pain in the arse sometimes. Thank God you're brilliant in the bedroom..." sighed Harry.

They came to the end of the corridor. What now? Was the unthought, unspoken question everyone was asking. Then, like a bolt of lightening, a streak of brown light flashed through the walls, causing them to break and fall away, as did the floor. The five adventurers, too, fell away.

"!" they screamed as they landed onto something soft and silky. Harry looked down and saw Cedric Diggory's face looking up at him.

"What...?" he muttered. He looked around the room they were in. Everywhere, there were posters, light shades, stationary, curtains, wallpaper, everything you could imagine... with the image of Cedric's face.

"What on earth is this?"

The voice spoke again as the doors of the room flung open:

"Aaaah, you've arrived at last. Come, my pretties... come to me..."


	6. When Doctor Who Is On Y'know!

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Billy stared at the thirty-something-year-old woman lying on a satin-covered mattress with the image of Diggory's face imprinted on it. She was wearing a long, silk, black nightgown with "Team Hufflepuff" written on the back in italic script.

"It's... it's YOU!"

"Me? Well, I doubt that very much..." said the woman. She had ivory skin, full lips and thick, chocolate brown hair.

"What? B-but your Meyer, aren't you? Stephenie Meyer?" bumbled Ron.

"Yes, I am the one you call Meyer. But I am something very different," said Meyer softly.

"_If you're from Africa, why are you white?_"

"_Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.._"

"Oo-er, sorry about that," said Meyer, reaching for a TV remote and pressing a button. "Anyway..."

Meyer slowly undid the buttons on the front of her nightgown. Harry, being a gentlemen, looked away, embarassed. Ron pulled a camera out.

"Wait, Ron, why do you have a camera? You're an ignorant pureblooded wizard who knows nothing of Muggle contraptions. Why on earth would you have a camera?" said Hermione.

HERMIONE IS WATCHING YOU, BITCHES. HERMIONE IS ALWAYS WATCHING YOU.

Meyer continued to undo the nightgown, then she lifted it off over her head, revealing a jersey with the legend "I LOVE JOE MOSES!" she blushed and quickly lifted that off, too. Taking with it her head. Revealing...

"VOLDEMORT?"

**AN: I know it's short, but whatever. Get over it. Haha, I'm joking. I just have writer's block at the moment because my friends are running around trying to kill eachother.**


	7. ENOBY!

**AN: Ooooh, kept you on tenterhooks? No? Are you sure? Okay, I'll stop pestering you with short chapters. It's raining outside so I've got nothing to do (boohoo) apart from write (yippee!) on my crappy laptop that no longer has internet :( Anyway...**

A tall, thin, pale figure stood before them, it's mouth stretched so widely that Harry couldnt tell whether it was smiling or grimacing. He decided to go for "scowling". It's eyes were closed and slowly, it was opening the quivering, white lids, showing a pair of startling blood-red eyes.

"Stephenie Meyer is You-Know-Who?" quivered Ginny.

Voldemort laughed before he spoke: "Well observed. As you have probably noticed "Stephenie Meyer" is Reyem Einehpets backwards..."

After a couple of moment's pause, someone spoke.

"And?" asked Harry. "What significance does that have?"

"Reyem Einehpets sounds like a cool name." retorted Voldemort.

There was silence.

Voldemort laughed again, and put on his usual, long, black cloak, because Ron's eyes were beginning to stray worryingly.

"You see, Harry, after I killed Diggory, I felt... remorse for my actions. Such a handsome lad. So, I called Directory Enquiries and asked for a good-looking vampire to come and go all bitey bitey on Cedric. And that bloke... what's his face... Carly! Carly came and bit Cedric, giving him a whole new persona – and name, Edward, as you would probably have guessed.

As you very well know, Harry, you killed me in '98, so you're probably a little confuzzled as to why I'm here talking to you. I made one last Horcrux on that fateful night when Diggory died. Cedric – or, Edward – was my last Horcrux. Why did I fake my "death" on May 2nd of 1998? Well, I wanted to start over. I wanted... to achieve my dream..."

There was a very pregnant pause.

"And... and what was that dream?" enquired Hermione.

"To plant flowers. I want to plant flowers everywhere – and make the world beautiful. Poppies, roses, tulips, lillies, sweet peas, pansies, sunflowers, daisies... I just wanted to make the world beautiful! But you know what? You know why I couldn't achieve that dream?"

"W-Why?" stuttered Ron.

"BECAUSE THERE IS NOT A FLOWER SHOP IN THE WHOLE OF THE WIZARDING WORLD!" shrieked Voldemort, falling to the floor in tears. Hermione and Ginny rushed to him.

"There, there... it's okay... there's plenty of flower shops in the Muggle world... I'm sure we could go to one of those..." cooed Hermione.

"Are you mad, woman? I can't set foot in the Muggle world! Do you know how badly I'm allergic to those things? Even... ACHOOOO! Get back from me!" snuffled Voldemort, Hermione did a quadruple backflip to get away.

"Well, that's all very well and good. But why did you decide to make yourself Stephenie Meyer? That's what I want to know." said Billy.

"Nice one, Bill," said Harry. "Put it there, son." They proceeded to do a complicated handshake.

"After knowing I couldn't ever have my dream, I decided to go for a second-best," hiccuped Voldemort. Ginny passed him a glass of cranberry juice, which he immediately spat out. "To become a young adult fantasy-romance novelist. But my writing's never been too good."

"I'll say," Hermione sniffed resentfully.

"I had regular correspondance with Edward and Carly. Basically, I just wrote down their letters, emails and texts. But things were dull. If I wanted to become a fantasy-_romance _novelist, I'd have to introduce some lurvin'. I made a robot. A real, working robot. I named her Isabella Swan. I must say, it was my finest work. All organs working. She could do anything a human could do. Apart from keep her balance or have regular emotions, but, hey, I'm not a mechanic." Voldemort grinned sheepishly. "I sent her to Forks and Edward's letters became a lot more interesting. "More interesting" as in he stopped moaning about his miserable not-life and started moaning about this "human". I decided to write in my robot's point of view, so every girl could relate to her. People falling in love with her, hating attention, just wanting to read _Wuthering Heights _like any other girl her age – just like a regular, female teenager. But people wanted interviews with the author. In newspapers, television, radio. I couldn't turn up looking like I am. Using the last of my strength, I made a Polyjuice potion, using one of Isabella's hairs. Though I transfigured myself to make a few, small changes... Oh, and look at me. I'm monologing. Haha..." he sniffed.

Ron, Billy, Harry, Ginny and Hermione were standing there, absolutely gobsmacked.

"He's barking!" shouted Ron. "Completely barking mad!"

"Wait, Ron, I'm not so sure." interjected Hermione. "It adds up, doesn't it?"

"She's right," said Harry. "It sounds... plausible."

"Yah! Yah! Yah!" crowed Ginny, jumping up and down excitedly.

"What do you think, Billy?" Harry swivelled towards him.

"Well, I doubt my cousin would lie to me..."

"Voldemort's your _cousin?_" squawked Hermione.

"Yeah. What of it?" shrugged Billy casually.

"Um... nothing..."

A loud, shuddering sigh interrupted their conversation. It came from Voldemort, who was blowing his nose in the corner of the big, four-poster bed with Cedric's face on the sheets. He stroked his cheek (oo-er) lovingly. He opened his mouth to speak.

"The only thing is, now, I regret it. Because my _"books" _are being compared to the seven volumes about your life, Harry. And those books feature ME, the Dark Lord. At my most powerful. I don't want to be belittled by my writing trash! I wanted to withdraw my books but Carly... ooooh, it wasn't nice. I want to fight back! I'm being compared to that Volturi! And so is dear Bellatrix."

"Bellatrix?" said Harry. "She isn't still alive, is she? She died at the Battle of Hogwarts, right?"

"Correct." sighed Voldemort. "But she's still with us. BELLA!"

Suddenly, a tall, wild-looking ghost of a woman swam through the wall of the room, causing them all to jump.

"What is it, Reyem - ("My new nickname," said Voldemort as he winked cheekily. "Feel free to say it yourselfs, bubs...") - a new plan? Evil plo- OH MY WIZARD GOD, WHAT ARE THOSE SCUM DOING HERE?" Bellatrix shrieked as she quickly glided towards Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny.

"Come back to mock me, Weasley?" she spat in Ginny's face. "Send your mother my love, eh?

And tell her... tell her... umm... (obviously she was trying to think of something absolutely crushing to say)... that's she's the BYOTCH! Not me! Yeah, byotch! HISSSS!"

"Oh, whatta burn..." muttered Hermione.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, MUDBLOOD?" screamed the ghost of Bellatrix, gusting into Hermione's face.

"Ah, oh, er, n-n-nothing, nothing..." stammering under Bellatrix's killer gaze, Hermione spluttered "So, hm, why did you decide to become a g-ghost, Bellaaarrrr..." From the look she got from Bellatrix, Hermione seemed _verboten _to say her name.

"Sirius would be there, of course! The Blacks have their own luxury resort for the dead and I wouldn't want to be there with that – that blood traitor scum-sucking hoebag!"

"Why?" asked Ginny. "You killed Sirius, why don't you wanted to be there? You're not... afraid of him, are you?"

"Me? Afraid of _him_? My coward cousin? I, Bellatrix Black Lestrange, is afraid of... well, er, Sirius gave the most awful Chinese burns. They used to leave marks for days..." Bellatrix's face turned a pewter-silver. Obviously she felt she had said too much.

"So, yes, I decided to become a ghost and watch after my hubbie,"

"Me, dearest? How kind of you!"

Another ghost wafted through the walls. Harry recognised him as Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix's late husband. He was wearing an expression that resembled one of a very ugly homesick puppy.

"No, you wanker. Get out. I meant... Reyem." Bellatrix's whole face softened at the last two syllables. Voldemort – er, ahem, I mean – Reyem stuck his tongue out at Rodolphus, curved one of his hands into a C-shape, raised it to his forehead and gestured it backwards and forwards very quickly.* Then, put it down as Bellatrix looked around again. Rodolphus floated sadly out of the room.

"Anyway, Reyem, I couldn't help overhearing that you were talking about that... _saga_ of yours..." Bellatrix shuddered violently.

"Actually, Bellatrix, I feel the need to correct you," interrupted Hermione. "But a saga is defined by a series of stories about Irish, Viking and Celtic families, Twilight is _not _a saga. It is a series."

"Forever helpful, aren't you, Hermione?" sighed Ron. "Why can't you just keep your whining trap just for five seconds? You greasy little arsehole."

Harry, Voldemort – dammit, wrong again! - Reyem, Bellatrix, Ginny and Billy stared at Ron.

"Whoa, a little harsh there, don't you think?"

"Yeah, too far, dude..."

"What has Hermione done to you? Cool it..."

"Mmmmmhmmmmmm," added Reyem, snapping his fingers.

"Ron, can you just go in the corner of there for a few minutes please? You need to think about what you just said," said Harry, pointing to a Cedric-wallpapered corner of the room. Ron shuffled over and pressed his forehead against the wall, repeating "Robb Rose sat on a pin. Robb rose."**

"UGH. ANYWAY." repeated Bellatrix tiredly. "I heard you five -" she nodded at Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Billy. "- are planning to take the sparklepyres down. If so, me and Reyem want to help you."

"Wow, really?" gasped Harry. "That's an excellent idea. But... I thought the point of this was to kill Stephenie Meyer, the Head Sparklepyre?"

"Idiot boy!" shouted Reyem. "I'm not the Head Sparklepyre... but I do know who is."

"Can you tell us?" asked Hermione, her eyes bright, cheeks flushed.

"I can only tell one. The one who is unaffected by her... evil."

"Who? Who is that? Me? Is it me? Oh gosh, the pressure!" Ginny wailed.

"Shut up, Red. No, it's... YOU."

"Me?"

It was Billy.

"Billy's the only one unaffected by her evil? Who is it? Bill, you have to tell us..." said Harry immediately.

"Uh, I don't know Harry. We'll have to see." Billy said, moving towards Reyem and Bellatrix. "I'll see who it is first, right? That's what's important."

Reyem held Billy's hand and they Apparated, Bellatrix following.

"Wonder who it is..." said Ron from his corner.

"Shut up, Ron, no one cares what you think. Just go die." snapped Harry. Ginny and Hermione nodded approvement.

"Anyway, I wonder who it could be. I can't think of anyone else who'd affect us with _her _evil. Well, I could, but it can't be Bellatrix. She's dead. And besides, I think she's on our side now." sighed Harry. "I think."

They waited a couple of minutes in silence.

"What on earth could they be doing in there?" Hermione said, staring hard at the spot in which Billy and Reyem had Disapparated.

A moment later, Billy and Reyem appeared looking rumpled and worried. Billy was very pale, his dark beard contrasting greatly with his ill-looking skin.

"Billy! You're back! Did he tell you? Do you know who it is?" asked Harry impatiently.

"Yes... but it's horrible... I can't..." said Billy before he sank to the floor in a dead faint.

"Bill-? Billy-?" Hermione dropped to the floor to help him. Reyem walked up to Harry and placed his hand on Harry's shoulder.,

"Harry Potter," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry and all. For all ther shizzle I've done. Killing your parents, Sirius ("Well," said Bellatrix. "That was me, but whatever. Carry on.") and all my mates killed, like, everyone close to you; Remus; Tonks; Hedwig; Fred Weasley; Colin Creevey; your Firebolt...but you know, that's in the past."

"Don't worry about it." said Harry.

"Excellent! Well, I was thinking me and Bella could accompany you on your mission to hunt down the Head of Sparklepyres, we'd be useful...?"

"Sure, if-" But Harry did not finish his sentence. Billy, as though in a trance, rose from the floor and screamed:

"_ENOBY!_"

**AN: Oooh la la, I thinky that is my longest chapter yet. Perhaps the best. We will see, eh? EH? EH? Review, or I may kill myself :)**

*** = I did that rather lengthy, boring explanation of Voldy, ahem, I mean, Reyem's actions just in case that is not an international gesture. Every British person will know that particular wave is a signal for "dickhead", but yeah. Just in case you foreigners didn't know... RUN!**

**** = Only my friends will get this one, it's a cheap gag. Sue me.**


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